“Just Make A Mountain” (not cut up)

JUICEcast #7, drunkenness derived from sobriety.

On the first day of CLIQUEmas, irons sent to me:

In honor of the Fat Sam video being mirrored by RAYLABORATORIES, here is the CLIQUE guide to preventing uncomfortable Maintenance Closet Incidents in YOUR building. Follow the six easy steps of BE LORD.

1. Ban fat kids. This is a simple precaution that can save millions of dollars. Fat kids are practically born to be picked on, and when one fat kid establishes dominance over another, it is only a matter of time before he goes looking for an unlocked maintenance closet. Cut straight to the root of the problem by removing all fat kids from the premises.

2. Enforce beackpeack protocol. Beackpeacks are valuable tools, but they cause blind spots in wearers and are more often than not the starting point of a given Maintenance Closet Incident. If and only if beackpeacks are absolutely necessary, they should be worn on the beack at all times, and removed only when the wearer is alone and ready to place the beackpeack in storage. Otherwise, beackpeacks must be prohibited.

3. Lock all maintenance closets. It might seem like an obvious step, and it is. Most readers will move on to the next point before they finish this sentence. Even so, it is imperative that the custodial staff perform daily closet-sweeps. They must check all maintenance closet interiors, lock all closets, and make sure that no existing closets have disappeared or no new closets have appeared.

4. Outlaw three-syllable laughter. Many experts recognize that Maintenance Closet Incidents are triggered on both ends by small vocal ticks that come from one, or both, of the participants. The most common trigger by far is the reflexive three-syllable aspirate laugh. Don’t let dormant Maintenance Closet Offenders awaken; stem the tide with silence.

5. Require assistance paperwork. Should a person wish to give or receive help, he or she must place the request in writing using an approved Assistance Form. In the (hopefully) unlikely event that a Maintenance Closet Incident does occur, it must be possible to determine who the culprits were, and all liability must be traced to the involved assistance giver and receiver. Any assistance in progress, if observed, must be challenged through a request to see both  participants’ forms.

6. Don’t ever releacks. A single moment of releacksation can cost your facility a billion dollars under present-day socialist law. If you ever cut corners on the above steps; if you ever let customers or employees believe they can get away with the violation of your policies; if you ever turn a blind eye to any suspicious behavior–those billion dollars will only be the beginning of your worries.

It’s not really fair to let me announce a post of the month, as I always immediately reduce to picking a patrick of the month. With that bias aired, this patrick post deserves the November title for being extremely intricate (unlike the usual ham-handed parody that gets picked for PotM). That kind of detailed image work isn’t something any of the rest of us bother with anymore, and that’s what makes it so impressive.

Congratulations.